There’s something seriously wrong with me.
For once, I’m not talking about the health anxiety that randomly pops up and wreaks havoc on my life. I'm talking about, well, everything else.
All my roommates have found someone to love them, and it hurts to see the guys who used to have me at the center of their worlds pair off and grow up, especially when it’s a reminder of everything wrong with me. I’ve always had an issue with relationships. With forming a connection with people outside of Seven, but this is more.
Because I want to find my someone.
Except the one person my brain has latched onto is the one person I can never have. The one person who’s there to help me when my panic attacks get too much.
Nurse Derek.
Derek
I should never have offered to treat Xander Moore.
And now here I am years later, my life on hold, while I wait day in and day out for the call that Xander needs me. It always comes, and I always answer, but I’m starting to dread those visits.
Lately, I’m looking at Xander in a way a medical professional should never look at their patient.
When Xander starts volunteering at the same nursing home that I do, I get to see a new side of him. The artistic, charismatic side that draws the residents in. I get glimpses of a man who’s so much more than his anxiety, and it does nothing to help my feelings for him.
When lines begin to blur, I have no choice but to stop treating him. That at least allows us to be friends. The only problem is, being friends isn’t enough for either of us.
It’s wrong, unethical, and unprofessional, but my heart won’t listen. It’s decided on Xander, and it doesn’t want to wait. Neither does Xander.
But if I want to keep my job, I have to resist.
I just wish he didn’t make that so difficult.
I take his hands. “What are we doing?”
“Twist our swings together, then when we let go, we’ll go flying.”
“That sounds dangerous.”
“Okay, grandpa.”
Fuck it. I’d wanted to be more fun and remember that age is only a number and here’s Xander helping me find that side of myself again. “Let’s go.”
We twist our swings together around and around and around, until the tension on the old chains gets so tight, I’m sure they’re going to snap. My feet barely reach the ground, and Xander’s definitely don’t. Our knees are crushed between each others’. Xander’s so close, he could lean in and bump our noses together.
“I’m ninety percent sure one of us is going to hurt ourselves,” I say.
He lifts a slight shoulder. “I’m not scared. I don’t think I’ve stopped hurting a day in my life.”
“That’s … Xander …”
His eyes are purple again. I haven’t seen the gray since the day I got home, and he watches me for a long moment. “It’s always so weird seeing people react to the things I say.”
“Why?”
“Because it means nothing to me. I don’t feel it. I don’t connect with it. But you do. That’s … so weird.”
“It’s called empathy.”
“I don’t know if I have that,” he whispers. “I know I’m supposed to.”
There he goes underestimating himself again. “How would you feel if Molly was sad?”
“Angry. I’d want to fix it.”
“Because you care about him.”
Xander nods. “Sometimes more than Seven.”
That’s surprising. “I thought Seven was everything to you.”
“He is. But Seven can look after himself. Molly’s … precious. Too breakable.”
“Molly seems like a very capable man, not that I know him well.”
Xander thinks for a long moment. “They’re mine, you know. Both of them.”
“I know.”
“And if anything happens between … I know I joke, but, like, us or … whoever. If I ever find someone who doesn’t get sick of me one day, they’ll be his as well.”
It’s like a knife to my fucking chest every time he says things like that. Sick of him? No one can get sick of Xander. I’ve seen the way his friends love him. The way the residents love him. How much Seven and Molly care. And I know how I feel about him as well.
My fingers find his cheek and fuck me it’s so soft. His eyes drift closed and my heart is beating out of my chest.
“Xander, I—”
Xander’s eyes snap open. “Now!” He lets go and flings away from me. The chains untangle in an aggressive twist that shoots me one way and yanks me the other. I nearly lose it backward off the seat and when I’m finally sure it’s stopped trying to murder me, I suck down a breath and look over at him.
Xander’s whole face is flushed bright.
“Never again.”
He cracks up laughing as I’m still trying to orient myself.
I’m never going to survive him.
THE HUSBAND HOAX
Accidental Love #1
NOT DATING MATERIAL
Accidental Love #2
THE REVENGE AGENDA
Accidental Love #3
JUST BROMANTICALLY INVESTED
Accidental Love #4
While not writing, SM is a readaholic and Netflix addict who regularly lives on a sustainable diet of chocolate and coffee.
Member of SCBWI.
