Growing up as a gay Catholic schoolboy in a tiny Mississippi River town surrounded by cornfields, Luke’s imagination was constantly set on fire by million-dollar daydreams and DIY hustles. Whether it was hunting down the missing Cap’n Crunch or gaming McDonald’s Monopoly, no scheme was too ridiculous, no shortcut too far-fetched. With his trusty Hustler bike and a mountain of determination, Luke didn’t just dream—he plotted.
Set in the 1980s, this is the story of a kid with a knack for scamming, hustling, and occasionally crashing and burning—all in the pursuit of that elusive big win. From navigating a Catholic school playground full of bullies to trying to “make it” out of a blue-collar family, Luke was always on the move, cooking up his next big adventure. Dragging his little sister—turned faithful sidekick—into trouble at every turn, her sweet voice was always in his ear, making us wonder: is he conning her, or is she saving him from himself?
As Luke grew up, so did the schemes—transforming into a Broadway Cinderella story of sorts, ditching it all for the artist’s life in Paris, and even getting cursed by a vengeful Hawaiian god. With each crazy plan, the stakes got higher, the twists got weirder, and Luke had to ask himself the big questions: Can you beat the system, or will the system beat you? And what do you do when your dreams—and all your wildest schemes—start to crumble?
Through hilarity, heartbreak, and the relentless pursuit of the American Dream, How to Win a Million Dollars explores the glittering highs and crushing lows of chasing success in a world shaped by Reaganomics, dyslexia, and the crumbling façade of opportunity. From paperboy scams to glitter-filled art shows, this story is proof that while everything can fall apart at any moment, the journey—chaotic, messy, and wildly imperfect—is the real prize. And maybe, just maybe, there’s still a million-dollar dream out there, waiting to be won.
The first time I tried to win a million dollars, it was the sweltering summer of 1985, and the Mississippi River was swollen and threatening to spill over its banks. The town was on edge, but thanks to the giant quarry wall my grandpa helped build back in the ‘50s, we were safe from the river’s fury. It was during that unforgettable summer when Cap’n Crunch went missing, and panic spread across the nation like wildfire.
Supermarkets were packed with towering displays of Cap’n Crunch, a mountain of yellow and blue boxes stretching to the ceiling. But when you looked up, there was no Captain. His jovial face had vanished, leaving behind nothing but dotted lines and a big question mark. He had disappeared, zeroed out. Zoinks! What was I to do?
The commercials made it sound so simple: find the Captain, restore him to his cereal kingdom, and win ONE MILLION DOLLARS. For a kid like me, the stakes couldn’t have been higher. A million dollars wasn’t just a number—it was a golden ticket, a way out of this tiny Mississippi River town.
Every Saturday morning, I’d sit in my parents’ living room—a shrine to America’s Bicentennial celebration. The royal blue carpet stretched wall to wall, its plush fibers worn thin in front of the TV. A deep red couch commanded the room like a throne, while gold curtains depicting Revolutionary War scenes framed the windows. It was like 1776 had crashed into 1980s suburbia, and somehow, we were still stuck suspended in between.
As my brothers and sisters tormented each other in the background, I was glued to the TV. The old box hummed as commercials blared, demanding kids like me solve the mystery, save the Captain, and claim the prize. The urgency of it all buzzed in my chest, electrifying the air around me. To a seven-year-old like me, a million dollars wasn’t just thrilling—it was everything. It meant a chance to escape this town, this life, and find something more.
In the afternoons, when the noise at home became too much, I’d head for the bluffs. The familiar path wound through tall grass that swayed gently in the breeze, the green hills rolling endlessly toward the horizon. I’d climb to my favorite perch and sit there for hours, the town spread out below me like a miniature toy train set. The limestone clock tower stood proudly at the center, surrounded by the river, the factories, and the steeples of the churches. Everything looked so small from up here, but somehow, it felt even smaller at eye level.
You see, up close, the town was just a second-rate version of Main Street USA, stripped of all the charm and magic of Disneyland. Most of the families here were like mine—working-class and stuck. I lived on the North End, what people would call the wrong side of the tracks, where factory workers like my dad scraped by.
I was a short, scrawny kid with wavy dishwater blond hair, wearing tattered dungaree shorts that were practically a second skin during the summer, their faded denim streaked with dirt and grass stains. My skin was golden tan from hours in the sun, but my legs were a patchwork of scars from chigger bites I couldn’t stop picking. Sitting cross-legged on the warm earth, absently scratching at the bites, my mind churned, methodically piecing together a plan. The Captain was missing. My ticket to freedom was hidden somewhere out there, and all I had to do was find it. Yet from this vantage point, the possibility of something greater still felt wildly out of reach. A million dollars meant escape, and as I sat on that bluff, staring out at the endless rows of cornfields, I swore to myself I was going to find it.
Each week, I’d beg my mom to let me tag along to the grocery store. Econofoods smelled like a strange mix of fresh produce and fake lemon cleaning products that clung to the air. The linoleum floors were scuffed and worn down from years of shopping carts rattling over them and the steady shuffle of feet. Jess, my five-year-old sister, was always a whirlwind of energy, darting between aisles like a tiny tornado. She had our dad’s button nose and her favorite white, frilly cotton top tucked into neatly pressed khaki shorts. Her tiny diamond stud earrings, pierced at Claire’s in the mall when she was a baby, sparkled as she twirled through the store. Her short brown pixie cut bobbed with every step, her energy infectiously lighthearted even as I plotted my next move.
Luke is an accomplished artist and author, with several books available on Amazon, including The Easy Bake Unicorn Cookbook, The Art of Tarot: A History and Guidebook, and his debut novel
How to Win a Million Dollars and BEEP Glitter! His second, follow-up novel, In Over Your Head, is set to release in 2026. Additionally, his art and photography are featured in his ongoing book series The Noble Path.
Stepping off the plane in Thailand was like landing on Mars. Surrounded by towering golden stupas, and realizing there was something beyond the confines of Christ, became an explosive creative catalyst. Having visited over 40 countries, Stoffel channels the diverse cultures he’s encountered into his art. His work explores spirituality in a vibrant, pop fantasy style, offering American audiences a glimpse into the world’s rich religious and cultural tapestries.
Recognized as one of NYC’s top LGBTQ+ artists by GLAAD he has been showcased by prestigious organizations like the American Foundation for AIDS Research, and the Matthew Shepard foundation. His art and photography have appeared on Bravo’s Million Dollar Listing, in the New York Times, Huffington Post, AM New York, Hawaiian Airlines Magazines, and on the cover of Next Magazine. His artistic contributions have earned him the Starving Artist Award, along with a commission for Ralph Lauren’s daughter. His art has graced iconic New York venues like the Puck Building, The Art Directors Club, The Prince George Gallery, GalleryBar, and New World Stages.
