Saturday, February 28, 2015

Release Day Blitz/Review: Fire Down Below by Debra Anastasia





   



Dove Glitch is embarrassed about everything above her knees and below her belly button. When she has to fill a delicate, embarrassing prescription the last thing she needs is a sexy-as-hell (and brand spanking new) pharmacist behind the counter.

Johnson Fitzwell’s first day of his dream career also happens to coincide with the exact moment Dove needs her feminine meds filled. His glorious voice is way too loud–as in, he should be counting down the hits with Ryan Seacrest kind of loud. Thanks to Johnson’s handsome face and gorgeous jaw line, Dove dives headlong into her waking nightmare and asks for a vagina-scented cream.

How could she not fall for him? Dove's only active goal now is to get Johnson to kiss her right on the lips. Either set. However, his horrible girlfriend is one of many obstacles preventing her from making that fantasy a reality. When Dove defends Johnson in the most unhygienic, unconventionally gross way in the middle of a crowded restaurant, their tender, slightly tantric relationship is off to a galloping, farting start.

Each print copy of this book will be dipped in holy water by my mom, and glared at by my father as he purses his lips. Neither will help. So, drop your pants and turn to the left and cough. I hope you're not allergic to latex, because it’s time to fill your prescription. Anally.




I have never laughed so much reading a book then I did with Fire Down Below. Like literal, couldn't breathe, laughing so hard, moments.

Dove is a typical girl that I could relate to. She is highly embarrassed with womanly issues; i.e. getting pads and tampons from the store. She often wonders in her head what the cashier is thinking as you place female products on the counter for purchase? Due to a Urinary Tract Infection, Dove is placed on antibiotics that in turn give her a yeast infection. Grudgingly, she heads to the pharmacy to turn in her prescription for treatment of said yeast infection. Her typical pharmacist is female, who unfortunately, has gone out on maternity leave, and the replacement is a young hot male.

Johnson, trying to be ever helpful in teaching Dove about her care plan, practically announces to all in the pharmacy how to use it causing further embarrassment to Dove. Dove has a perpetual foot in her mouth when it comes to Johnson. Anything and everything that could happen/go wrong does for Dove; like her own little personal black cloud. But she also has an alter ego on Twitter, where she is hot, sexy and not awkward.

Then we are introduced to Duke, a fellow neighbor in her apartment complex and as much as he is annoying, he and Dove have a great rapport. But let me tell you he is gross and disgusting and is always touching himself.

As the story progresses you see Dove trying to be less awkward and snag Johnson. Again, anything that can and possibly go wrong does:

"I put a bunch of horrible hair-removing cream on my pussy. That's why it smells so bad in here. I wanted to be her. Lotsa is who I want to be, and I never, ever am. I'm the one girl out of a thousand that gets crapped on by a seagull while waiting in line for a tour of the statue of liberty. I'm the girl that trips and has her boob fall out of her top in front of mechanics when I'm vacuuming my care at the gas station. I'm the girl that says yes to an amazing man and tries to be anything but herself when he comes to her door. Me sucking at life has nothing to do with you."

This part resonated with me.

But as you see her trying to be this awesome person she deems worthy of Johnson, Duke starts to notice her in a different light.

"He finished his sentence in his stupid head. You're pretty amazing flopping around in your pajamas in a Saturday, eating your cereal at my table because you hate to hear yourself chew and my TV is always on. You're already perfect at being you."

Does Dove land Johnson? Will Duke tell Dove how he feels?

To find out these answers you need to read the book! I am not going to tell you!! But go one-click it now, you won't be disappointed.



Oh God. We’re talking about me being naked, in the shower with cooter cream. Please world, end. Kill me.

“I know it’s not soap. I just… if it’s scented… I can’t do scented. Flowers and stuff like that. Fruit-flavored soaps make… things… burnish.” She could tell from the peeks at his face Mr. Fitzwell had never stepped foot in bath and lotion store, wanting to try the array of fun fragrances. Nor had he purchased Peppermint Candy shower gel, foamed up his nether regions, and felt like he had dipped them in lava. Dove crossed and uncrossed her legs at the memory.

Mr. Fitzwell seemed concerned. “Okay, just a heads-up. It’s definitely not good to put any fruits or plant life near your genitals.” He made a V with his hands and formed his own pretend vagina in front of his pants.

Dove covered her eyes and tried to defend herself because now she could hear the sickly older woman beating her supporters with a purse.

Dove’s mumbling got louder with her embarrassment. “I don’t put weird things down… there. Just make sure that the cream’s vagina-scented. Just plain. For vaginas.” She kept her eyes on the counter.



There are a lot of eyes in Debra Anastasia’s house in Maryland. First, her own creepy peepers are there, staring at her computer screen. She’s made two more sets of eyes with her body, and the kids they belong to are amazing. The poor husband is still looking at her after 17 years of marriage. At least he likes to laugh. Then the freaking dogs are looking at her—six eyeballs altogether, though the old dog is blind. And the cat watches her too, mostly while knocking stuff off the counter and doing that internal kitty laugh when Deb can’t catch the items fast enough. 

Debra has a smattering of books in a few genres. There are two in the Seraphim Series and three in the Poughkeepsie Brotherhood Series with a prequel, Poughkeepsie Begins in the near future. Fire Down Below is the first in the comedic Gynzaule Series. The second, Fire in the Hole, will be published in late 2015. The Revenger, a dark paranormal romance will debut this summer. And last, a novella called Late Night with Andres is special because 100% of the proceeds go to breast cancer research. (So go get it right now, please!) You can find her at DebraAnastasia.com and on Twitter @Debra_Anastasia. But be
prepared...


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